Thursday, December 9, 2010

Not a Feel Good Post

I've had a post I've been working on for 3 weeks but due to various reasons never could quite click on "post". I've come to realize why now and therefore, it will probably never see the light of day. BUT, some of my thoughts will probably carry over here.

I write this blog for only one kids. Every year I download all of the blog posts and pictures from each year and compile them into two printable books that my kids can have when they are older. It's really just a techy scrapbook. As I look back thru each of the posts of the years I see milestones in each of the kiddoes lives, adventures they have gotten to do and funnies that they will look back on and laugh about for years to come.

But peppered thru some of the posts about every day life and school and activities are what I fondly call my ramblings. So, why do I leave them in there? Because I want my kids to look back and see where their Momma's heart was. Most of what I write in these kinds of posts are birthed out of a situation going on at that very moment. I hope they read the wisdom (and I sooooo use that term loosely) of their mother and let it apply to their lives.

This is going to be one of those posts.

I've been struggling. I've always been a firm believer that if something doesn't give you life, but rather takes life from you, then you need to be gone with it. That's so tough sometimes though. Especially when it involves other people and the relationships that you have built with them. So that's where I am. In the middle of trying to see just how far the Lord wants me to go where a young lady is concerned.

And then, my mentor gives me this Scripture yesterday morning:

"If the home is deserving, let your peace rest on it; if it is not, let your peace return to you. If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet."

~Matthew 10:13-14

So, in my striving to be authentic for myself and for my kids who will one day read this, I know it's time to shake off my dust.

And Children...that is ok.

Now, does that mean my relationship with her is completely over? No. It just means that it's time for me to stop pouring and pouring and pouring while it hits the brick wall and splashes right back on me. It's time for me to no longer spend the days in tears as I watch what she is doing to her life and those around her and not say anything out of fear. Even as much...she will probably never even notice anything has changed.

But I will.
My heart will.
My mind will.
My prayers for her will.

Time for me to shake off the dust, in love.

And the saddest part is what has driven me to this point. It's the fake. There is one thing I look for in all friendships and that is authenticity. Period. I have been blessed with a woman who was put in my life over 9 years ago who has taught me what it means to be a real friend. Being authentic. Now...don't get me wrong. I have lots of 'friends' who I learned real quick that I can't be authentic with because they won't be that way with me. And that is ok. But if we are going to be close...intimate friends...fake does not do anyone any favors. On either side of the or them.

I have never in my LIFE been more blessed than by a real friend who is willing to be completely open and honest with me, in love. Does it hurt to hear some of the things I don't wanna hear sometimes, sure it does! But, when I step back and realize that she is saying these things to me because she loves me and only wants my best for my life, I can't help but realize that she defines the word "friend" when she does that. And in turn, I have learned to do that with her.

Thru this process of learning how authenticity plays into friendships, it has opened my eyes to see a few things:

1. Not everyone who has claimed to be a "real friend" really is. I was born and raised half of my life with a master manipulator. I literally learned from the best. Therefore, I can pick up on people's motives pretty quickly. I'm also pretty quick to figure out lies. It's a gift and a curse. But once I have figured it's time to shift that relationship to it's proper spot in my life. I really need to learn to do this understand that I am not meant to be an intimate part of every. single. acquaintances. life.

2. Not everyone WANTS an authentic friend. I'm finding more and more (especially where women are concerned) that when you start developing a friendship and attempt to reach a level of honesty that would take it to the next level, the back peddling begins. Authenticity just might ruin or mar the masks and fantasies that we (especially as women) have a tendency to create so that people won't ever see what's really going on inside. I never wanted one before. Now I'm realizing that I do need them, but how much do I really want them...

3. The Ones...those that, while they may not enjoy every minute of it, desire the authenticity that a true friendship calls for...those are the ones where we get to experience what God originally intended as true fellowship! And while they have to be worked at and while feelings to get hurt sometimes, the fruit is not only sweet to our tongues, it is a heavenly aroma to Him.

4. I still fail at this miserably! Out of fear that I might hurt someones feelings or out of being told I'm often too blunt or out of sheer fear that yet one more person might see thru my facade...I STILL avoid authenticity in some situations. Oh,'s easy when it is someone who is authentic with me (aka said something that hurt my feelings last week and now it's MY turn :-) but when it's someone new? Notsomuch. And therefore, that makes ME a horrible friend.

When will we all be willing enough to just be honest with one another IN LOVE? When will I?

My pastor once said, "If someone doesn't like you, take it up with The One who created you." I've held to that for years. I know my personality isn't for everyone. And it doesn't bother me in the least. But what does bother me is that we as a society are happier with fake than with authenticity.

So today...the dust is slowly falling from these boots (as much as I wanna just let it sit there) and my heart is on the mend and my prayers for this child of God shall just be more fervent than ever!

Come on, Boots! Start walkin!

1 comment:

Beverly said...

Billie, loved your post. The Lord has also been dealing with me about some relationships in my life. Thanks for laying out there like you did!